Hello. Perhaps you are an old subscriber of mine or simply an internet wanderer who has stumbled upon this post. Regardless of your past, I will open this post, my first in about 18 months, with a brief bit of my own past: I had an eating disorder. The thing that has changed since my last post is that I can now comfortably use a past tense verb. As you may notice, my years-old posts prior to this one were documenting life as I recovered. Things have changed pretty significantly since then. Living a life not dictated by obsession has given me wholeness, for the first time in a long time.
It’s not to say I was never whole all along. As an analytical person, I’m aware that whatever I was then, I still always added up to one hundred percent… except now these things that make up who I am feel more concrete, and feel BETTER than I could have ever imagined in the depths of my eating disorder. As cliche as it may sound, if somebody could go back to the Anna of two years ago, she would laugh rudely in the face that told her she’d feel this way someday.
Those were days of the disorder, and its fog that obscured the belief that happiness could ever be obtained. The constant battle between giving into and fighting the disorder was one which simply left no room for anything else. Again channeling my analytical side, I shall illustrate this whole but not full life…
During these many years of eating disordered life, I was fully aware the part it played in my life. The disorder truly was my life. And one of the greatest mountains I had to overcome was the fear of what life would be like without it, this thing which had taken up most of my whole person for years. It was truly terrifying. Sometimes I look back and still have no idea how I did it. But I am sure glad that I did, that I proved wrong about every single doubt I’ve ever had along the way. I proved I could be whole again, in a way different than ever before.
In the same volume which is my life and who I am as a person, there are a million more things that make it up. These are the things that take my time and energy now. I suppose it’s just surreal to see how it’s all worked out. This is the main thing I wish I could share not only with everyone carrying the burden of an eating disorder and/or depression, as I did myself, but to anybody who struggles with anything. You don’t need a diagnosis to go through some pretty awful stuff that life throws at us. Be courageous. You will prevail. If the child with gaunt cheeks, a fork, and determination can kill her demons, know that you can too.
I have neglected a huge outlet for me, which is writing. Having also been active in the Instagram recovery community up until about a year and a half ago, I’ve decided that reviving my blog is what I want to do. My hopes in being active on this WordPress space is that I can share thoughts and inspiration and creativity, with hopes of receiving the same from the rest of you all. There is no better time than now for me to stay hopeful, and continue to rediscover life, now in the life of one who has conquered her anorexia. I thank you endlessly for reading this far and supporting me in the posts to come.
Also, VERY IMPORTANT: I’m begging you all for blog recommendations!! Even if they don’t seem very similar to this one, PLEASE comment some of your favorite blogs/bloggers! Huge thanks in advance.
I send you hope from my little corner of the world to yours.